The Color of Snow
by peace-of-hope
Summary: Edward messes up while at college, leaving Al alone on Christmas. Elricest. Ed x Al. Angst. Romance. AT. M for language and sensuality. Don't like, don't read.


_**THE COLOR OF SNOW**_

Alphonse looked out the window at the snow swirling past, settling on the ground outside in blankets of white.

"Brother, why is snow white?" Al asked the empty house. "Because it's forgotten what color it's supposed to be," he replied, heart sinking even lower as he heard his voice, and not Edward's velvet rasp.

The house was decorated for Christmas, the tree splendid in all it's ornaments, tinsel, and lights. The few presents at the bottom were small and all addressed to Al's cats, something frivolous he did in an effort to make himself feel happy, even if the feeling was fleeting. Cats, he realized, are at best, friends but never lovers.

In spite of all the decorations and presents, the house felt empty. Alphonse was alone and shattered on another Christmas Eve.

_- - - Four years earlier - - -_

Al hurried to answer the phone as it rang, nearly tripping over one of his cats. "Hello?"

"Al?" He smiled when he heard his brother's voice on the other end. "Hey Al, listen—"

Al's smile broadened; he twirled the phone cord around his finger, leaning up against the wall. "Brother," Al cut him off, "When are you coming home this weekend?"

"Al—"

"—It's snowing here! Snowing! We can go sledding, or ice skating out on the river if it's safe—" Al chatted to him energetically, instantly happy now that Edward had called and he was reminded of the weekend they would share.

"Al!" Edward gave a nervous laugh on the phone once his brother quieted down. "Sorry, it's just," Al heard him swallow hard, "I'm-I'm not coming home this weekend…" he trailed off and the guilt he'd been feeling since picking up the phone to call Al settled in the pit of his stomach, threatening to make him nauseas.

Al tried to ignore that familiar sinking feeling—was this the second or third weekend in a row?—and remain chipper, for that was his role. "Oh, well, that's fine, next week is your holiday break, so I'll see you then."

Edward let out a little sigh, "Yeah, I will, I've just got this huge final paper for English, you know I'm horrible at literature, and I don't have it done."

Al smiled a little at the thought of Edward trying to write the paper, probably stressing over how to make it perfect instead of just passable. "Brother, it's okay, I understand." He closed his eyes, letting Ed's voice wash over him so he could escape the reality of the emptiness he'd face this weekend.

"Thanks Al, really," Ed breathed a sigh of relief, and Al almost felt guilty for wishing his brother home instead of at school. Ed was doing this for him, going away to college in Central for a better school, a better degree, and better life for them.

"You should get to work," Al said after awkward moment of silence, not sure if Ed was going to say more of if he was waiting for Al to speak next.

"Yeah," Ed replied, and there was distance in his voice.

"Love you! I love you, Ed!" Al told him, suddenly feeling he needed to say it more than just the once to make sure Edward understood, holding the phone tighter involuntarily.

"You too," and then Ed hung up.

Alphonse slammed the phone back down in the cradle as tears ran down his face, upset at himself for crying over this.

XXX

"Take a break, man," someone told him. Ed remembered that's what the original guy had said when he dragged him off down the hall to the party. A few drinks later—the first, Ed contended, had been alcohol mistaken for water—and the words had new meaning.

The world seemed to spin and then stopped, and Ed felt a warm hand in his like when he and Al would hold hands. The door shutting to his dorm room reminded him of when he would slam their bedroom door, and push Al on the bed, just like he felt himself pushed on the bed, and even the lips against his felt like Al's and Ed was kissing back.

He arched up into the touch, but when the hands found his naked skin, Ed realized with a pang, that it wasn't Al he was kissing.

He promptly threw up.

XXX

"—I'm just telling you what I saw, Al!" Russell repeated, exasperated by this point.

Al nodded, cradling the phone to his ear in a tight grip. "Edward left the party with a guy?" He wanted to laugh at the idea—Edward was _not_ "gay," he would never do something so public like that—but Al's resurfaced doubts—what was this, the second or third time?—made it difficult to laugh.

"Yeah, I mean, I knew Ed swung that way, but I thought he was with you—"

"Russell why are you telling me this?" Al was suddenly weary of the conversation, and longed for Edward, instead of his roommate, to call and explain what the hell was happening. Al needed Ed, he needed to hear his voice reassuring him that it was just a friend instead of the guy he had in his bed that night or every night.

"Because Ed locked me out without my key, and I'd like to get back in our dorm—" He could hear Russell banging on a door, picturing Ed opening it to kick this friend or lover out and let Russell in and then calling him to say he was sorry, he should have told him he had a friend who came over—

He wasn't a friend.

"I have to go." And with that, Al hung up the phone, feeling weak for crying again.

XXX

He waited for the call. It came within a minute.

"Al?" He heard his brother's voice on the other end of the line, but stayed silent, not sure if he did so to control the overwhelming emptiness or contrasting rage. "Al, um, Russell told me he called you…"

Still silence.

"Alphonse, look, it was a mistake—" Al heard Ed pause then wretch, noting that he must have brought the phone into the bathroom. For a moment, Al wished Ed sick, glad that he was ill from what he'd done now that it was confirmed. "—I never meant to—"

"Hurt me?" Al cut him off, ignoring Ed's sharp intake of breath as he found exactly what Ed was trying to say but couldn't. "_Edward_, if I'm not enough for you—if I can't satisfy you, be your _only one_, then why the fuck don't you SAY SO?!" He screamed at him, raw emotions and fears taking over his rational—forgiving--side. "Why don't you just TELL ME you don't fucking LOVE ME ANYMORE!!"

"But I do! I do love you!" Ed's voice sounded like it was breaking. "Al—please!"

"Don't bother coming home," Al spat at him, pausing for a moment but Edward didn't respond. "Brother, people who are in love don't cheat." Al gave a small cry and let the phone fall from his hands as he sunk down to the floor, holding the cord from where he'd disconnected it from the wall.

XXX

_Cheat._

Edward tried to call, but his calls never got through. After a while, he stopped trying and accepted that things were over.

XXX

Alphonse was left with the nights. The days, he could fill those up with chores, work, his cats, but the nights, the nights he was left with, void.

If he slept, he would dream, visions of Edward entwined with him in the most passionate of ways. His breath on his neck, his hand on his hip, his lips over his own as they moved together, crying out. The scent of cinnamon and sex hanging in the air, unfulfilled. The warm and complete feeling would pool in his stomach, but faded quickly when he awoke and realized he'd wet the bed like some teenage boy dreaming of what wasn't his.

_- - - Four years later - - -_

Al hurried to answer the doorbell as it rang, nearly tripping over one of his cats. He looked out the window in the door, just to see who it was, and nearly fainted upon sight.

Edward stood on the front step, suitcase by his feet, looking nervously up at what used to be "their" house and had been Al's for the last four years. "I graduated, and so they kicked me out," he explained to Al as he came out to stand on the front porch. Their eyes met, and the silent argument played out--

_Why did you cut me off? Four years!!_

_You cheated, and besides, you could have come home._

_You told me I shouldn't bother to come home. I was scared!_

_For four years?! I've not seen you for that long! Why didn't you fight harder—_

_You wouldn't let me and I… you cut me off, and I gave up after a while._

_Don't ever give up on me! I-I lov—_

_I thought maybe it was for the best, but I know I was wrong!_

…

_I was hurt._

_And I'm the one who hurt you._

--in one moment. "Al, forgive me. I'm still in love with you."

Al sniffled and started to cry, reaching up to brush his tears away so as not to appear weak in front of the man he'd thought of every day since Al pushed Ed away. "It's okay, I forgive you, I still love you too, so much!" He hugged Ed back as his brother pulled him into an embrace, letting all his anger and sadness over the last four years disappear into the cold.

Al looked at the snow swirling past, settling on the ground outside in blankets of white. They kissed, tentative and gentle at first, then passionate and deep, and Edward was leading Al inside to their bedroom where they entwined.

The scent of cinnamon and sex hung in the air, fulfilled, as Edward hugged his brother close. Alphonse finally felt complete on Christmas Eve.

XXX

Snow may have forgotten what color it used to be, but Al knew, snow was the most beautiful shade of gold.


End file.
